Kai Ko's Open Letter To the Public

If I were Kai Ko, I'd load up Microsoft Word and write an open letter. It would go something like this.

Hello, everybody

First of all, I admit it. I smoked some weed while in Beijing. Now, would y'all please chill the f**k out!

Look, man, let's put my "crime" in perspective. Marijuana is not addictive, and it doesn't cause cancer. In contrast, nicotine is more addictive than cocaine, and smoking causes all sorts of respiratory illnesses. But, hey, cigarettes are 100% legal, but weed isn't. Yeah, this makes a lot of sense.

So, while my actions will pretty much disqualify me for sainthood, it's not as if I raped, pillaged, and murdered. And no, I am not a drug fiend like the media is making me out to be. Let's be perfectly clear about this, smoking a joint ain't the same as selling 100 kilos of heroin to school children. I am no Pablo Escobar; I think we can all agree on that.

Granted, the last time I checked, weed is still illegal in China. And certainly, playing cat and mouse with with the cops in a totalitarian state isn't a smart thing to do. Given the string of high profile celebrities being arrested on drug charges recently, I should have known better. But, in my own defense, I have spent TWO FULL WEEKS in a pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Do you know what happens to muffins like me in a place like that? Whatever mistakes I may have made, my debt to society has been repaid in full.

Now, I get it. Y'all want from me a show of contrition. You know what? I have delivered that to you already. Not once. Twice. I don't know how many more times I can do this sh*t. I swear, it's getting harder and harder to shed those tears on cue. A man's tear duct is only so big.

In conclusion, I have learned my lesson. The next time around, if I feel like getting high in Beijing, I'll just down a bottle of L'Or de Jean Martell while puffing away a Cuban Cohiba. I trust my good buddy Jaycee's daddy could easily afford those things. After an hour or so, I'll get smashed just the same. And, if I really feel like smoking a joint, I'll hop on the next flight to Seattle or Amsterdam.

So, from now on, I'd appreciate it if you would just drop this subject. I didn't kill anybody or nothin', so let it go. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Kai Ko